Posted by Kate Phizackerley on Sunday, February 01, 2009

For the first time ever, I've joined an online dating site. I've even paid to go along to a singles event on Valentines Day. There have always been so many reason why a steady partner would complicate life too much. I've enjoyed the past year. I was away weeks on end at times - even some of my friends are saying I was away too much so God knows what a partner would have said. But, still, it would also be nice to have somebody to share it all with.

There's a recent article in the Times on "How to find a man" if you are over 40. As always, it's pick out the bits that seem sensible and ignore the rest, but this bit seemed aposite:

Long-term single women have been known to get hooked on keeping their options open. You secretly like the feeling that something life-changing might be just around the corner. And the reason you — who travels solo, makes friends easily and never says no to adventure — need to rethink your future is because you may be ready to try everything and risk everything but your heart.
Surprisingly, those of us who tend to have very broad social networks and are used to flying off anywhere on our own can find settling for one person, even finding that one really special person, harder than for those who are less independently minded. And then there's this:
Assume that you are going to be having sex in the very near future. It generates that mixture of adrenaline and pheromones that people have been trying to bottle since the beginning of time.
- Make the extra effort. If you go to the party wearing your second-hottest dress, because you are saving your No 1 dress and you’ve already decided that you’ll only stay for an hour, then you might as well not bother. You will not exude the right anything-is-possible glow and the One will look in your
direction and think “Downer”.

Yep, I am someone who would save her best dress - that's so me. On the other hand, when you start reading profiles of men on dating sites its obvious that some of them are really only interested in the sex. So, when over 40, do you go for the option of sex when it's offered (and for back for me if it turns out to be great sex), or do you hold out for Mr Wonderful and hope he happens to also be half decent in bed? And I'm not modern enough to sleep with somebody on the first date. I had a friend I've lost touch with, but I'd say to her, "Have you slept with Fred [insert name of random bloke] yet?" I got used to her saying, "No I like him so it's too soon." When she'd slept with someone on the first of second date, I knew not to ask about him again - sex was her way of saying good bye. I wonder whether men are the same? A woman is mysterious until she goes to bed with him. No, on balance I think waiting a bit is for the best.

And she goes on... Pick your man. Don’t wait for him to find you. The One says he saw me steaming across the room, nostrils flared, elbowing women out of my path, but this is not true. I did spot him in the distance and then sort of worked my way across the room in his direction. But it’s true that I made it happen. And then, drum roll please, I did that thing happily single women so often forget to do. I set about making him like me (as opposed to waiting for him to prove to me that he was worth the trouble).

That's certainly true. Or is it? Do men like women who make the running? Would I - we - want man who doesn't have the balls to approach us? It's too complicated for me I think so I'm going to go to bed with my teddy bear and see what he thinks I should do.


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